My girlfriend and I went to another D&D event on Sunday. It's one of a series organized by her brother's group (Elemental Beacon), dedicated to new players, and despite the fact that neither of us are newbies, it's always good fun and a way to learn some things. After the presentation of D&D Beyond, everyone present was asked - with the help of the speaker - to create a level 4 character which was to be used, a bit later, in a Christmas-themed one-shot. With some minor interruptions, we all made our characters and got assigned to our tables where the Elemental Beacon hosts were to be our DMs.
The table looked like this: DM (same person who presented), myself (ranger), my girlfriend (bard), an acquaintance (also bard), two almost-newbies (warlock and barbarian) and another guy who has never-ever played D&D before (wizard).
The story starts with all of us, a group of friends and adventurers, on a ship, sailing for the small Gnomish island where Noel Village is, to celebrate and experience the festivities. My friend and my girl, like good roleplayers, start a caroling "duel" on deck, which is quite amusing, since she's singing them as depressingly as possible while he's doing the exact opposite.
While all this is going on, the first thing the barbarian does is climb the main mast to "check for dangers", as we are only two hours away from making port. Of course, everyone (except his warlock friend, to whom I'll get to in a moment) is kinda shocked... Why is he doing that? Well, he wants to be sure there aren't any kraken or some other terrible beasties about to kill us. The DM fires a warning shot, then two more, by having the crew assemble at the bottom of the mast and warn the barbarian to come down as "checking for danger" is NOT his job while on this ship. As the dumbass stubbornly and continuously refused, despite the repeated warnings, I even offer - jokingly - to shoot him down. Finally, a split-second away from spending the rest of the session in jail, he gives up and climbs down.
In the meantime, the warlock - who made it abbundantly clear from the start that he is so incredibly smart and obviously superior to everyone else - decided to speak with the Captain of the ship. Why? Nobody knows, but we're hoping to find out. So he lies to the guy standing guard outside the Captain's cabin, and somehow manages to convince him that it's imperative to reach the man who was busy preparing for arrival. The Captain shows up and, when asked what he wants, the warlock asks about the waters in the area and the island, and is just left standing like an idiot in the hallway as the man returns to his maps and navigation.
Soon enough we reach the port. The ship docks, we disembark, and the barbarian beelines for the nearest beer vendor. At the same time, the guy stands up from the table and goes for the bar (IRL) to grab another beer. He comes back emptyhanded, as what transpired in the game is also happening outside of it, and he _not so jokingly_ suggests that he AND his character think about "plundering" the bar / booth. At this point, which is only 10-15 minutes into the game, most of us are already annoyed and a bit concerned - he talks non-stop, makes everything about himself, interrupts the DM and is acting like an asshole... So I, one who somehow always ends up babysitting the barbarian (even in our main campaign), say that my character is ready to shoot an arrow as a warning if he does something stupid. I guess he understands the warning because he changes his mind about stealing and leaves some copper coins - the price for the beer - on the shelf. And actually buys one from the bar IRL.
With the danger avoided and following the people out of port, we quickly made our way to the village and, as celebrations were in full swing and the whole place looked like a winter fair, most of us signed up for a (obviously just for fun) snowball fight contest. Myself and the bards went to find a tavern while waiting for the contest to begin. The warlock went to search for a bookstore and find out about magical stuff in the area, the wizard went to check out the Gnomish contraptions at a toystore, while the barbarian... he went around asking about... treasure. Yes, the guy went all over the village and asked everyone if they know anything about any hidden treasure. Because people who know such things wouldn't claim it, but wait for some dude to stroll into town so they could tell them about it... As a joke, the DM makes up some drunk, homeless Gnome, who reveals some story about a giant Gingerbread man. The barbarian swallows it whole and drags him along to our tavern, where he buys the guy drinks and demands that we leave IMMEDIATELY to find the monster, slay him and get his _maybe_ treasures. Myself and a couple others remind him of the snowball fight and he reluctantly agrees to do that first at least...
We set up for the contest: we take our armor off, leave the weapons, don the magical "laser tag" suits and step into the arena. As soon as we do this, the "brilliant" warlock decides to cheat and cast Invisibility. Of course, the suit cancels the spell and he loses a slot. Even though it's obvious to any idiot that the DM won't allow cheaters, the barbarian shouts at the crowd: "toss me a shield!" and rolls for Intimidation. Of course, he is met with laughter.
After everyone takes their places and builds a strategy, rolls are made for hits and such, and the barbarian is the first one hit. The DM describes how his suit starts to freeze and asks him if he wants to resist and stay in the competition (despite the rule he set up: one hit, you're out). "I'm supposed to tank" the barbarian says and decides to resist - a pattern he will continue to go with for the rest of the session. "9 points of damage!" the DM says and asks again. "Do you continue to resist?" He says "yes", of course, and despite his high roll, he takes another 11 points of damage. "I keep resisting!" he says and takes ANOTHER 11 points of damage, while the normal people just look in wonder and puzzlement at his stupidity. Mind you, we're all level 4, we haven't even had our first encounter, and this guy is almost dead. He relents after this and he is teleported out.
Very soon after, and to my frustration as I was very well hidden and prepared for the contest, everything is interrupted by a Gnome running into the square, screaming his lungs off. Because this shit was not supposed to take this long, but the barbarian forced the story to skip - another pattern he kept repeating througout the game. Everyone leaves to contest area to see what the comotion is about... except for the "smart" warlock who wants to cheat and claim the prize, as he is technically the last one standing. Only that there is no one to judge that as - obviously - the contest was put on hold. He AGAIN tries to cheat and steal the prize. But there isn't a prize to be had - the organizers, not being complete morons, took the Bag of Holding trophy when they went to check why that one Gnome was screaming.
We're being told that Father Noel has been kidnapped from his shop, after some rogue Gnomes busted in and killed some of their brothers. Everyone, except the barbarian, realizes that "hey, this is the quest" and offer their assistance, while the brute thinks "no, no, no... we need to go find the giant gingerbread guy so we can get treasure". Saner minds prevail and, again, he reluctantly tags along.
We investigate the crime scene, speak to the gnomes, and the wizard newbie asks one of them for one of the corpses' gear - something that looks like Doc Oc's tentacles (4) that helps the workers with their tasks. DM tells him it won't do him much good, as he is a wizard and won't rely on that. Still, being a gnome himself, he thinks he might use it at some point - maybe do some heavy lifting - and the DM graciously agrees. We ask some more questions and track the crazy Gnome mob through the forest.
While treking, the DM decides to test us and has the Gingerbread monster pass by, knocking trees over and heading in the opposite direction. The ones among us who understood the task and the fact that Father Noel's life might be in danger (and time mattered) knew to continue following the tracks, but the "genius" warlock refuses. He leaves the group and starts running after the gigantic creature.
At this point, the DM is focusing only on the warlock. He managed to get close and, when the monster stopped, he shouted at him to get his attention. First warning: "The Gingerbread Man turns around, alerted, looking for the source of the noise, and you can hear the trees swinging as he looks for you." Zero alarms in the warlock's head."Hey, Gingerbread Man, I mean you no harm!"The monster rips out a handfull of trees nearby - second warning. The guy stands still, insisting. He gets hit with a bunch of trees for a fuckload of damage (third warning). Instead of running, when asked about how he wants to proceed, he decides to "distract" the monster with a spell. And DIES! - a fact which surprised me a bit since I was expecting his friend to bite the dust first. The DM, however, allowed him to make another character and introduce it later.
The rest of us marched on and, by some miracle, the barbarian didn't want to fight the two giant nutcracker mechanoids outside this frosty tower. We managed to run past them as they were patrolling and get in undetected. We find a door and stairs leading up, and while myself and the rest of the party decided to see what's in the first room (Gnome yelling stuff from within), Mr. Muscles fucks off on his own, going up the stairs. Downstairs, in what looks like a devastated armory, we find a crazy Gnome who gives us some clues, most important of which (I realized) was about the Big Baddie who seemed to mind-control the poor workers. "So it's easy" I say. "We kill the boss, we free the Gnomes - no need to slaughter the poor guys". Sadly though, the Gnome is taken over by some dark energies and we have to put him out of his misery. We loot some keys and decide to go up...
Meanwhile, upstairs, the barbarian finds some cages. Within, a hanfull of Gnomes and a halfling warlock - our warlock, who HAS learned his lesson: never split the party. (Also I and the DM said that repeatedly throughout the session). The "badass", having no way to open the jail cell and no proficiency with lockpicking, decides to bang on the lock. And banging he does until we show up and I physically grab him and ask him to stop. The player looks at me like I was a blank wall (he was on at least his 3rd beer at this point) and asks why. I open the cell with the keys and the Gnomes and halfling are free! YAY? No! Because the first thing the barbarian does is DEMAND the poor civilians fight and die for our mission. "NO!" I actually shout at him and, after repeatedly telling him they are not cannon-fodder and won't help us in any way, I have to actually use my racial trait to dominate the Gnomes to leave, hide and barricade inside the armory. Before they do though, they tell us there are more evil Gnomes in the room on that floor, across from the jail cell, and they're keeping Mother Noel there as prisoner.
Before we take a cigarette break - mostly because the DM noticed I was actually shouting at the moron - I ask him to agree NOT to go in that room and kill Gnomes who have no willpower, but instead go for the Big Baddie so we can free them. He agrees - another surprise! I also ask him why he would put innocents in danger. He says "Because I am Chaotic Good. And that means I will do what's best for me." I'm stunned for a moment but, before I leave for a much-needed cigarette break, I tell him to look up what his allignment is and means in the manual he brought with him. Outside, the DM, myself and a couple of others cannot believe how this guy is playing and how he constantly interrupts everyone with his idiotic ideas. I also can't believe that even my true neutral character cared more about innocent lives than this fucker...
We walk back in and I get a shiver down my spine the moment I sit down. I have a bad feeling. And, of course, it turns to reality: the barbarian listens at the door and, before I could shoot him down (a thing I threatened him with time and again), he manages to push open the door. "Well, we have to have a fight this game!" he explains as I stare him dead in the eye, asking why he wouldn't stick to what we agreed to before. Sadly, we slaughter three more gnomes, but do manage to free Mother Noel.
As we start ascending again, I notice a light and some bell ringing between floors and decide to investigate that first. By all indications, it's nothing threatening so I tell the rest to continue on if they want to. To my delight, all of them KNOW by now not to split the party and decide to stay with me so we can investigate together. All. Except the barbarian. He wants to go upstairs because fuck any clues the DM throws at us - and so he does.
I find a secret door and, before we engage in the rather complicated puzzle put before us - with an angel statue with four arms and two swords - we will have to spend about five minutes so the DM can properly kill our imbecile of a barbarian. Here's what happened:
Scarred Scar (that was his name) reaches the top level of the tower and finds a massive door. He walks in and stumbles upon a robed figure mumbling an invocation in Infernal, in front of a giant pentagram. Instead of backing away or at least attacking him, he thinks to himself "why not have a chat first?". He comes closer to the warlock who... immediately casts a spell on him, leaving him charmed and paralyzed. The evil dude pushes him then slowly towards the pentagram where he starts burning and burning, as he keeps failing constitution saving throws, and ultimately dies, having learned jack shit by the end of it. "You are - sadly - dead now" the DM says and looks at me smiling: "You're probably happy now?" I say "NO!...I wanted to be the one to kill him". I grin at the guy and shrug as he stands up and leaves, as there isn't time for him to make a new character - we're almost done and OH! we're the only table left. Because of his shit, our story dragged on forever, our phones are almost dead and the others finished their sessions more than half an hour before.
Now, being that Scarred Scar was obviously the hero of this story, I should end it here, but I am guessing that if you made it this far, you might want to hear the rest of it.
We spent quite a long time trying to figure out the puzzle which was half-allegory, half-literal, but we accidentally manage to get the two magical swords from the angel statue. I want to take one but instead, knowing I already have two short swords, I should give the magical rapier to my girl - who actually WAS using a rapier. The other sword goes to the other bard (Jim). Finally, time to go for the boss! As we reach the top floor, the massive door (more like a gate) is closed, BUT the smart Gnome wizard - the same newbie who is experiencing his first session, the same guy who asked for the mechanical arms - remembers he has those and actually uses the contraption to crack open the door. Even the DM is surprised and we all congratulate him on the smart play.
The party slips in and combat ensues as I promise this evil bastard I will shove him up his master's ass. Now... Because we no longer have a tank, I - a human ranger - seem to be the best alternative, since our party has two squishy casters and two gentle bards. We manage to beat the warlock rather fast, but not before he succeeds in summoning the actual Boss: Krampus. As he rises from the pentagram and the ashes of the dumbass who came wandering through, I dash to the center of the room and toss the dead warlock's powerful staff to our mage. Bardic Inspiration flows from one character to another as I start chopping down at the giant demon, alongside my brave girl... And despite her best attempts and the obviously powerful rapier (radiant damage) she's wielding, she doesn't manage to hit him ONCE. Not once! We fight and fight, and with no spells left, no heals, my HP goes down to 4.
At this point my phone died. It took so long to get here that my battery went down to zero, so I will have to use stats by memory - can't access character sheet! But the dice are with me: rolled 16 four times in a row!
And then Krampus casts a frost spell! ...From which I manage to receive only ONE point of damage.I am down to 3 HP, but my guy keeps shouting at Krampus: "I will shove your servant up your ass!" and continues slashing with both swords. It's almost done and, out of the two swings I get, only one hits - the DM's face changes and mumbles "oh, fuck...". I think I am about to die, but it's the wizard's turn - the newbie, the champion, the chad! - who lands a fireball on the demon... for 1-fucking-point of damage! And Krampus is DOWN! Before he starts disintegrating completely, I pull the evil warlock's dead body up to Krampus and try to kick him into his master's ass, while Jim the bard looks puzzled at me. "I keep my promises!" I reply, but sadly the demon is gone and it can't be done.
The DM looks sad and apologetically at me: "I am so sorry, you were SO close. After 4 rounds or more of combat, out of which you dealt most of the damage, I was rooting for you to kill him." I smile at him. "It's all good", I say and add to myself mentally: "At least the barbarian died". We free Father Noel, get a Bag of Holding as a reward. And probably other stuff I don't care about because... it was just a one-shot.
THE END
